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People magazine is reportedly going to announce Blake Shelton as 2017’s “Sexiest Man Alive” and I just have so many questions. According to the site Gossip Cop, which is the Robert Mueller of the celebrity news world, Shelton will grace the cover when it hits actual newsstands in this reality tomorrow.

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Now, as always, my feelings can best be described as “Jennifer Hudson’s facial expression.” What the Mahershala is going on here? No shade to Blake, but we need to put People magazine in rice.

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Wow indeed. 2017 is doing the absolutely most in the absolute strangest way possible. We need a special counsel to investigate this because I am sure that this is just Putin trying to make us crazy.

Look, Blake Shelton is definitely an attractive man, with his salt-and-pepper hair and his blue eyes and his Chief Jim Hopper vibes. I don’t want to bring on the wrath of Blake stans and I took a blood oath in 1996 to never cross Gwen Stefani. But come on. The Sexiest Man Alive, though? I know all men are trash but I wasn’t aware that they were all dead, also.

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Idris the real life, idris just fantasy?

This news is shocking. I can bearly believe my ears.

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Riz Ahmed would like to murmur a few words to you, People magazine.

Question: have we run through every Chris already? There are no Chrises left?

Seriously, how is Chris Hemsworth the only Chris to have been given this totally real and deeply meaningful honor. Chris Pine has been putting in work for accessibly hot dudes for years in many different galaxies. I mean, really!

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Dev Patel grew his hair out and put a sexy beard on his face for this?! Not on my watch.

The shade of it all!

Dear People magazine: Henry Cavill mustache you a question…

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Sexiest Man Alive! Have these people never heard of Jason Momoa?! Or what about Fred Savage? HELLO!

(Sidenote: you need to understand that Fred Savage is hot, okay? This is not open for debate. Fred Savage = hot. Put him back on TV immediately.)

Meanwhile, Johnny Depp has graced the cover twice now! In this universe where Oscar Isaac exists.

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I’m sorry but Oscar Isaac is the forever sexiest. Even after he’s dead he’ll still be the Sexiest Man Alive. If he gets reincarnated as a wombat, you better put that wombat on the cover of People.

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Nothing but respect for my Sexiest Man Alive.

I just can’t believe this. Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive which must mean that Jesse L. Williams and John Cho are ghosts.

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Fine, if that’s the case. We just need to start another magazine for the world’s sexiest ghosts, then. I guess that’s where we are. A magazine, a digest, a coffee table boooook.

I just can’t believe they’re calling Blake Shelton the Sexiest Man Alive. Right in front of my Goldblum?!

What a world. What a strange, sexy world.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.



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