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Warning: Spoilers for Riverdale season two, episode ten, “Blackboard Jungle,” are ahead.

The Black Hood may be “dead” (yea, right), but the drama is still alive and well in Riverdale. Penelope Blossom is running a one woman bordello out of the Thistle House! Betty’s newly found brother Chic (short for Charles and pronounced Chick) is a cam boy! But much more on him later. And more frightening than any masked killer could possibly be, it looked for a moment like Archie Andrews’ music career was back on. Luckily, the FBI came to save us. Without further ado, here’s what happened in episode 10, Blackboard Jungle:

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Stop kissing in the hallway, Veronica and Archie! The Serpents are coming!

Ominously, because everything about the Lodge family is ominous, Hiram and Hermione ask V if she’s still on with the “plan.” She assures them, but they worry because she’ll be in the eye of the storm. “That’s what you said when I wanted to go shopping during Occupy Wall Street, and I was fine.” Missed you V.

It turns out the “plan” is to get her classmates on board with the news that South Side High has been shut down and many of the students will be transferring to Riverdale. They’re not on board. At all. “My home life is a Dickensian nightmare. I won’t have school turn into one too!” Missed you, too, Cheryl.

Meanwhile, over at SSH, Jughead is showing Tony Topaz his novel when he hears the news—she calls it Lovecraftian (these kids read so much!). Sweetpea and Fangs are stoked. The parents are not. Mayor McCoy’s phone is ringing off the hook, but the Lodges assure her that it will all be worth it when Lodge industries purchases the land and donates a sizable amount to McCoy’s re-election campaign. Yes, it’s all starting to make sense.

Veronica attempts to welcome the new students with open arms (and registration packets!), but Reggie, Cheryl, and a pack of cheerleaders arrive to rain on her parade. Cheryl reveals to Archie that she saw that Christmas kiss with Betty Cooper, and asks him to reconsider his allegiance. He goes with the popular WE WERE ON A BREAK defense. Ross Gellar would be proud.

Later, Veronica and Pussycat-less Josie meets Toni Topaz, sparks fly between Fangs and Kevin—Jaoquin and Fangs used to “hang out”—and all seems to go well. That is until the principal flips out over a spray-painted Serpent that was so obviously done by Reggie. From here on out, no more Serpent jackets are permitted on campus and all tattoos must be covered. Jughead lives for drama, honestly, and is ready to stage walk-outs and hunger strikes, but the rest of the young Serpents are just happy to have a computer lab and toilets that flush. Chill, Jug.

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Who has two thumbs and no chill? The guy on the left.

The CW/Riverdale

Of course, our rebel without a cause has no chill and shows up the next day in full Serpent getup, gets in a fight with Reggie, and is promptly suspended. He tells his father that Serpents never sheds their skin and FP rolled his eyes even harder than I did.

When Hermione and Hiram Lodge hear the integration isn’t going well, Veronica suggests that the Serpents simply need a makeover and the Lodges donate sets of adorable, preppy uniforms that I now want to own. Classic Veronica.

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Polly gave birth, but now she’s in a cult! Enter, Chic.

Betty finds Polly in her room, sans baby bump. But she’s leaving again. The leaders of the farm think the babies will be better off without the Coopers, so she asks Betty to deliver the news to Alice for her. Harsh.

Also, Betty’s reaction to the baby names, Juniper and Degwood, is probably the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.

To make it up to her mom, Betty enlists Jughead (they’re still broken up, btw) to help her find the brother her mom put up for adoption. Jughead’s social worker readily gives up the boy’s location—which feels against the rules. He’s not had a good life and is currently residing in some sort of rundown hostel.

Alice and Betty find Charles (behind Hal’s back), who knows exactly who they are and has no interest in the parent who abandoned him. Turning them away because he has a client on the way, we discover that he works in “fantasy fulfillment.” There’s a laptop and camera prominently placed in his room. Alice sobbing in the car is probably the first time I’ve felt even remotely sorry for her.

Not the happiest reunion.

The CW/Riverdale

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But you know Betty; she never takes no for an answer. She returns the hostel just in time to watch Chic being assaulted and stabbed in the shoulder. Now the Cooper house has a new resident; one that sneaks into long-lost-sisters’ rooms at night. Yay?

Introducing Archie Andrews, FBI.

Riverdale native Special Agent Adams with the FBI needs Archie’s help to bring down Hiram Lodge. The FBI is suspicious about Nick St. Clair’s accident after his parents pulled out of the SoDale project. The fact that he didn’t turn to Jughead and Betty instead should already tell you that he’s not very good at his job. It could be because Archie is dating Veronica, but still. Archie asks if they’re supposed to ask his father’s permission for something like this. Worst FBI Agent ever says no, because of Fred’s own ties to the Lodge family. I don’t think that’s how working with minors works.

But now that Fred Andrews traded a percentage of his construction company in exchange for the $86K they spent on his hospital bills, the Andrews family is in deep. Of course Archie doesn’t do the one thing that might make everything easier. TELL YOUR DAD.

Instead, he goes to dinner at the Lodges’ and asks questions zero teenager would ever care about like, “isn’t South Side High closing bad for your business?” and “Whatever happened to that guy who assaulted Cheryl?” This is already going well. They tell him he had an accident on the slopes, but that he’s fine, and manage to work in his exact current location, Greenwich Prep. I could have sworn the St. Clairs were in a car “accident” on their way back home from Riverdale. This should not be a hard story to keep straight, Hiram!

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Long story short, Archie Andrews asks Cheryl if she knows anything about Nick’s injuries and she accidentally reveals that Veronica was also assaulted (not even Cheryl would purposely tell another woman’s story.) However, Archie has no problem sharing that with Mr. FBI in exchange for his father’s immunity. Archie tracks Nick St. Claire down–he goes from Riverdale to New York and back in one day, where IS this place?–learns nothing, gets Nick to write a new check for Cheryl to use as an excuse for the trip, and beats the hell out of the guy once and for all. Hopefully we never see him again.

The CW/Riverdale

Back in Riverdale (somehow), Veronica confronts Archie about a text she receives from Nick. Cheryl comes in and claims that she sent Archie to shake down Nick for cash, presumably because she felt bad for revealing Veronica’s secret? Seems strange to cover for Archie to make it up to Veronica, though.

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But Veronica still thinks there’s something Archie isn’t telling her. Backed into a corner, Archie tells V that Cheryl was blackmailing him and comes clean about the kiss with Betty. Normally, I’d be thrilled he actually came clean, but the fact that he did it to cover up for another lie is gross. Lucky for him, Veronica appreciates “honesty” and accepts the Ross Gellar defense.

I say kick him to the curb, V.



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