Culture


Yesterday, news broke that filmmakers Scott McGehee and David Seigel, two male-identified people, were writing an all-female remake of the classic tale of toxic masculinity run amok, Lord of the Flies. “Finally!” everyone exclaimed in unison. “We have waited years for a movie that will show us the effects of toxic masculinity on women! From the sex that brought us The Handmaids Tale comes another rollicking adventure! Where can I purchase a ticket, please?”

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Ah, but not so fast! Put your Susan B. Anthonies back in your pockets—or, if your ensemble doesn’t have pockets just, like, hold it in your hand. For I, a man, am also writing an all-female version of Lord of the Flies! I saw the news that it was already being done yesterday and thought, I don’t care; I’m going to do it, too. Which, is a pretty traditionally male trait if I do say so myself.

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Okay, here’s my pitch!

Lorde of the Flies!

So, a plane full of girls lands on an island. Think Lost but with Girl Scouts.

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And they’re all shewk. And they immediately start wildin’ out. Everyone is running around, screaming. You know, disaster stuff. But two girls hang back and they’re like, “we’re not going out like that.” In the original, they’re boys named Ralph and Piggy, so this is, uh, Ralphina and Piggy. They’re like, “we need a system of order or something.”

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So they find this conch (a conch is a big sea shell) and they blow the conch and all the other girls come over and Ralphina and Piggy call a meeting. In the original, there’s two boys named Jack and Simon who challenge Ralph for leadership, but I’ve turned Jack into Janet and Simon into Esmerelda.

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Ralphina: We need a system of governance.

Esmerelda: Okay, but who are you?

Ralphina: I’m Ralphina. And this is Piggy.

Esmerelda: Is that your real name?

Piggy: Obviously not.

Esmerelda: So, why is she calling you Piggy?

Piggy: It’s this mean girl things she’s into. Also, she’s mad I’m slow cuz of my asthma.

Ralphina: Sucks to your asmar, Piggy.

Janet: I’m sorry to butt in but what are these words you’re using right now?

Ralphina: Piggy has an upper respiratory condition. But I find it annoying.

Esmerelda: Why don’t you just say that?

Ralphina: Never mind. So, I’ve decided I’m in charge because I have the conch.

Esmerelda: Cute story, but maybe we should have a vote or something.

Piggy: Actually, do really need to rely on hierarchal systems to govern us?

Janet: What would you suggest?

Piggy: Consensus?

Ralphina: Sucks to consensus.

Janet: Is she always like this?

Piggy: Ralphina is processing a lot right now. But yes. She’s an aggressive person.

Janet: That’s a little antisocial, but I don’t think we should kill each other over it.

Ralphina: Obviously not.

Piggy: If we could circle back to my suggestion about consensus, though. If other people like it, I would suggest we discuss using a consensus model to make group decisions. Oh! I suppose I should introduce myself and tell you what’s in my pockets. Metaphorically…

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And everything turns out fine and they form a utopia society, actually.

Hmm. Wait. Now that I think about it. That’s not Lord of the Flies at all. Sorry. That was weird. Let me, a man, try again.

Lord of the Guys

So, there’s a plane full of girls and one boy that lands on an island. And the boy takes over and some of the girls are like, “This is super boring; we’re just going to do our own thing in small groups.” And the boy is like, “No, that’s not cool. You’ve been socialized to listen to me. Also, I have the conch!” And the girls are like “Sucks to your fragile masculinity. And sucks to metaphors.”

Agh! I’m sorry. It’s still not working.

Lord of the Flies (with Some Girls)

Okay, so there’s a plane with full of boys and some girls. And it crashes. And Ralph (he’s Ralph again) decides to take charge. This other boy, Jack (he’s a super dreamy redhead. Think Riverdale.) challenges Ralph. And everyone starts arguing about it. And it’s a whole thing actually. When everyone votes, there’s a huge faction that votes for Jack to be the leader over Ralph.

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Things get heated! But Ralph’s friend Piggy (still a girl; real name Priya) suggests to Ralph that maybe the problem isn’t that Jack has a contentious faction backing him, but that they’re all relying on democracy, which is actually a flawed system that will, invariably, lead to a lack of true representation. And Ralph is like, “She’s a witch; burn her!”

And Priya is like, “Whatever, dude. I’m going to forage and set up a camp on Castle Rock. Don’t @ me.”

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And Ralph is like, “Fine. Whatever. Everything will be fine without you. We’re going to do great things. You won’t believe it. It’ll be so great. We’re going to win so much. Everyone is going to get sick of winning. Everything is going to be great for us, Priya.”

But it isn’t.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.



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