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At this weekend’s Hilarity for Charity special on Netflix, John Mulaney performed a bit about his simmering feud with Timothée Chalamet. Mulaney’s wife, Annamarie Tendler, has a crush on the Call Me By Your Name star, according to Mulaney. Tensions were heightened when Tendler mentioned that Chalamet is 6’1″, towering over Mulaney’s even six-foot height.

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This sent Mulaney into a tailspin of self-doubt and honestly, same. Finding out that Timothée Chalamet, who appears to be roughly the size of Armie Hammer’s pocket square in Call Me By Your Name, is a relatively giant six-foot-tall string bean of a person rocked my world. First of all, I have no idea how to conceive of six feet. Bigger than a bread box? Not the bread I’m eating. Secondly, how tall does that make Armie Hammer?!

I have a lot of trouble understanding celebrity height. I just don’t get it. It’s like how some people don’t get complex scientific concepts, or, like, justice. I’m like that with celebrity heights. Unless a celebrity is very short, I think they are all about the same height. I know, in my mind, that Tom Cruise is relatively short but, in my heart, I think he’s the same height as everyone else. Tom Cruise, Vince Vaughn, Chewbacca: all the same height.

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It’s for this reason I’ve decided to reject height information outright. Instead, all celebrity heights will be determined by the court of public opinion, as the Founding Fathers (all 5’9″ max morning height) intended.

Please proceed to tell me what to think.

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Finally. The truth.



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