Culture


So much happened during the shockingly exciting College Football Playoff National Championship last night! We learned so much!

We learned that Alabama, as a state, is really making an effort to have a come up this winter! They are definitely gunning for the title of “Most Improved State.” Good for you, Alabama!

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We learned that freshman college football players are shockingly good. Like, last year they were in high school, performing “Don’t Stop Believin'” with their glee clubs or finding out the identity of the Black Hood Killer or whatever it is that high school students do these days.

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And now they’re on national television, knocking everyone else out of contention! They can’t even get into bars yet! What are you doing with your life?

Speaking of having no idea what you’re doing with your life, we also learned that the president maybe/probably doesn’t know the words to the National Anthem.

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Honestly, is anyone surprised by this? I guess it’s hard to pay attention to the words when you’re so busy frothy at the mouth about players kneeling. It’s like patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time. Very complicated. Solely the domain of stable geniuses.

But the most important thing that we learned is that Black Panther tickets are now on sale on Fandango. In related news, Fandango stock jumps 10,000 points and its now the most valuable company in the world.

During Kendrick Lamar’s half-time show (which the president skipped, presumably because he had to Google “What are the lyrics to the National Anthem?” before some relaxing Executive Time), a new Black Panther trailer dropped, teasing one of Kendrick’s new songs for the soundtrack and announcing the sale of tickets.

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Obviously, everyone lost their minds.

Actual footage of Angela Bassett appearing as a reminder/heavenly vision on everyone’s iCals:

Honey, I clicked purchase so hard that my mouse disintegrated. No regrets. The smashed bits of computer parts reformed themselves on my desk to spell out “Yes gawd!” They understand.


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Me: I would like to purchase tickets to Black Panther.

Fandango: How many?

Me: All of them?

Fandango: Oh for real?

Me: Did you think this was a drill, son? Call me Phil Collins cuz I’ve been waiting for this moment for all of my life. ::15 minute drum solo::

Fandango: Which theater?

Me: All of them.

Fandango: Seriously though?

Me: The revolution will be screened every half hour on the half hour preceded by roughly 70 minutes of previews.

Fandango: You need to pick a theater

Me: Fine. Give me every ticket at the Wakanda Multliplex 12.

Fandango: You need to stop.

Me: No, you need to stop. This is oppression. I want tickets to whatever movie theater in Wakanda serves you a full four-course meal and has reclining seats that you have to reserve in advance and cup holders that are big enough to fit a two-liter bottle in. I want to go to that one movie theater where everything is just so extra you wonder to yourself, “Do the people that designed this think people don’t like going to the movies? Like, are they tricking this place out like it’s your divorced uncle’s ‘Man Cave’ because the perception is that going to the movies is like getting a check-up at the dentist? What is the research on this?” That’s what I want. I want to go to the movie theater that has a seating divided by price tiers like we’re already living in the Hunger Games. Where’s that?

Fandango: I found two tickets to a random screening in Times Square.

Me: Fine. Whatever. I’ll take that. Here’s my credit card information. Here’s my social security number. Here’s my Wakandan citizenship application.

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Fandango: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: You want me to click that little box like robots don’t have fingers now or something?

Fandango: No, we have a new test. Prove you’re not a robot by giving your 4,000 word hot take on why Oprah should or should not run for president.

Me: Oh, you’re really trying it.

Fandango: I’m just kidding! I would never.

Me: You really got me.

Fandango: Your face was so tight. You were like “What?”

Me: I was like, “No, this website is not…”

Fandango: What a country.

Me: I’m going to miss this country when I take all my Bitcoins and buy a Vibranium mine in Wakanda and disappear forever.

Fandango: You didn’t hear it from me, but Oprah is already president of Wakanda, so…

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Anyway, the point is, I’ve now purchased every ticket for Black Panther. Even the 9 am screenings. Even those screenings where the theater is like “Bring your baby!” Actually I don’t even mind those screenings. They’re actually really kind to parents and if you go to a baby-friendly screening, you don’t have any right to complain about there being babies. What they need to have is screenings where you can bring your friend who has never seen a Marvel movie and is going to ask questions the whole time. Movie theaters need to be having a Q&A-friendly screening for people who don’t have Google in their lives.

They also need to have special screenings for people who aren’t here for the plot and are just going to make “Mmmph” noises every time Michael B. Jordan walks on screen.

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Very okay with that. We should just all be clear about what our intentions are going in. Nobody has a problem with “I hired a babysitter, I had a glass of rose, and it’s about to get downright sexy in this theater. I’m talking about Fifty Shades of Black (Panther), if you know what I mean.” screenings. You just want to know these things in advance.

Speaking of knowing things in advance, you’ll have to excuse me—I have to go practice the words to the Wakanda National Anthem. Don’t want to get there and embarrass myself on live TV with a truly terrible lip-sync. Can you even imagine?

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.



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