Culture


Like most presidential bodyguards, Keith Schiller is a highly trained security expert with decades of experience who regularly had to run to a New York Avenue McDonald’s, stand in line and order a quarter pounder with cheese and no pickles and a fried apple pie for the leader of the free world. Politico’s Annie Karni included that tidbit in an article about Schiller, who is testifying today about the president’s 2013 trip to Moscow, and it’s literally all I can think about.

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Schiller has been working for Trump for years and for years he has been to many McDonald’s across this great nation and purchasing food so that his boss, the owner of many restaurants, can eat. Karni writes that on occasions when the White House “couldn’t match the satisfaction” of fast food, the bodyguard was dispatched to the streets. I’m screaming. Imagine training as a chef all your life, getting a job in the kitchen of the White House, having access to Michelle Obama’s garden and having some dude send his plate back because it doesn’t taste enough like a centimeter-tall burger that is prepared in the time it takes a person to drive their car from window one to window two. I would eat my hat. I really would.

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No shade to McDonald’s, of course. I can’t be about that life anymore since I watched that documentary where the french fries stayed “fresh” longer than the entire run of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. But I’d be lying if I haven’t been “lovin’ it” at some point in my life. But to choose it over the resources of a kitchen staff whose sole job is to feed you specifically? That’s outrageous. We need to have a congressional hearing about this.

According to Politico’s article, Trump likes Egg McMuffins in the morning and two quarter pounders and a large fries later in the day. First of all, how is he still standing. On Supersize Me Morgan Spurling had to be put into a medically induced coma after eating McDonald’s every day. How does Trump manage to do even the bare minimum of functioning that he is doing with a diet like that? Do you think maybe if he switched it up every once in a while and popped into a SaladWorks the crazy tweets would stop? It’s like the opposite of a Snickers commercial. Can someone call the White House and ask them if they’d tried this?

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Second of all, going back to the President’s breakfast, I feel like his choice of an Egg McMuffin is a slander to the McGriddle and I won’t stand for it. The McGriddle is the best sandwich ever because its basic premise is “Just because there’s no reason to have a sugary liquid that tastes like syrup in this meal, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be here.” That’s ingenious. That’s the American spirit. Why settle for breakfast when you can also have dessert?

You know what’s less American? An English muffin and Canadian bacon. No offense to Justin Trudeau but we need to work on making breakfast great again.

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The President’s dietary habits are horrifying but I can’t make myself look away. It’s like a Saw movie but with Ronald McDonald instead of Jigsaw. I’m not really sure what this means, but trust me, it’s accurate.

I’m not even sure why I’m surprised that the President eschews the massive resources of the White House kitchen in favor of a meal that can be easily obtained by a high school senior skipping class anywhere in the country. It is perhaps the most Donald Trump thing he’s ever done. Sometimes it’s like everything he does is just a metaphor gift-wrapped for some future filmmaker.

I do wish he was at least sending Schiller out for a Frosty to complete the meal. And also some Burger King fries, to dip in the Frosty. But alas. We can discuss this at the congressional hearing. I don’t care how much time and resources we have to spend getting to the bottom of this. We’ll do it. It’s what the American people deserve.

You can’t really question his affection for McDonald’s though. It’s the national cuisine, for better or for worse. Though, if the president really loved McDonald’s he’d work on getting that Szechuan sauce back. and put a McRib on every table. McRib 2020.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.



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