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Calvin Klein revealed the Kardashian and Jenner sisters as the new faces of the #MyCalvins campaign with a gorgeous barn house-set photoshoot featuring the Keeping Up With… stars and one strategically-placed quilt. One didn’t need to be ace detective Jessica Fletcher to catch the subtle/not subtle messaging of the family that is second only to the Knowles-Carters when it comes to controlling their brand. Rumors have swirled for months that Kylie Jenner is with child, something the family has been coyly reticent about addressing. This shoot will only add fuel to the speculative fires. Kylie is swaddled in a quilt in one photo, concealing all but her chest, head, and ankles. And you know who has ankles? Pregnant women.

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Willy Vanderperre

In another photo, pictured at the top, she is conveniently toting a quilt around whilst wearing a jumpsuit like a pit boss at the NASCAR of napping. While the idea of the NASCAR of napping sounds extremely appealing, science has not yet perfected this concept. So, we’re left to conclude that, by not sending us a message, the Kardashian/Jenners are actually sending us a message. The quilt is coming from inside the farm house, as it were.

While Kylie and family continue to refuse to comment on their messaging, we were able to reach a figure intimately involved with the photo shoot: the quilt itself. Here’s what it had to say about the mystery.

Thanks for talking with us. This campaign is receiving quite a lot of attention.

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Did you say quilt a lot of attention?

No, I didn’t. But that’s funny.

It’s something to think about.

Next time. Did you expect you’d play such a large role in the baby bump drama?

Well, when they telephoned me for the job, I expected it would be something major. I’m a bit of a celebrity in the quiltmunity. So, I surmised this was more than an ordinary job.

Not just another day at work.

Did you say not just another day at patchwork?

No, I did not.

Tis a pity.

A photo of The Quilt being born.

Getty

What can you tell us about Kylie? Were you being used to shield a bump?

Well, look, I don’t want to make a blanket statement but it’s clear that for centuries, we quilts have been used to communicate messages. We’ve also been used to cover wine stains on couches.

So, it really runs the gamut.

In the quilt community, we say “it runs the bias.”

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I’m not sure I get that. Anyway, so you’re saying that you were definitely being used to tell us something.

Oh, absolutely. They were very clear about what they wanted the general public to know and not know and I spoke for a very long time with members of the family about it. I had to figure out how I wanted to position myself, how to fall, what mood I wanted to convey. Confusion, insouciance, a pregnant pause. I can do it all.

Who were you working with on the shoot? Kylie?

Oh, no. Most of my direction came from Chicago West’s mother, Madame Illinois Kardashian-West. That’s what she asked me to call her.

Kim is changing her name to Illinois Kardashian West?

Madame Illinois Kardashian-West.

That’s surprising.

You’d already know that if you’d read the message of the quilt more closely. It’s all in there.

Willy Vanderperre

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What other messages are you holding?

What messages am I not holding? Want to know if Oprah is running for president? Want to know who is going to win the Super Bowl? It’s all in my stitches. Who needs Google when you have a 600-thread count of cold hard facts.

Care to spill the beans for anyone who isn’t well-versed in stitch-reading?

In the quilt industry we don’t say spill the beans. We say unspool the thread.

Okay.

So…

Oh. Care to unspool the thread about Kylie?

No. Isn’t it more interesting as a quiltosophical question? Does the absence of a baby bump proves the existence of a baby? Some of our greatest fabric minds have puzzled over this. There’s extensive chapters on this in the book On Batting and Nothingness. And also, of course, in the iconic legal tome, Quilt or Innocence.

Another quilt that could, potentially, be hiding Kylie’s baby bump.

Getty

So, you’re refusing to give us a straight answer.

I’m a bit of a crazy quilt.

Fair enough. Before this shoot, were you a fan of the Kardashian-Jenners? Did you know about the baby drama?

Oh yes! They’re a quilty pleasure of mine. Who doesn’t love this family? I’d gladly wrap myself around their potentially impregnated torsos any day, you know? It’s every quilt’s dream.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.



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