Fashion


The thing people don’t tell you about break-ups is that they’re $$$$$$$. Depending on your situation, you might have to: move out, worry about health insurance, get therapy, replace things that shattered after you threw them against a wall, invest in your own tube of toothpaste (sad), taxi home alone, keep your Sadness Popcorn Jar full, etc.

It’s a lot.

But one of the unspoken expenses of the Last Goodbye is all the clothes you buy afterwards. If you’re in possession of any spare cash post-split, you may find yourself acquiring item after item…after item of new-era, new-me clothing. Right???? Some of these purchases may be easily justifiable (there is no way you’re going back to your ex’s house for those mules, no matter how dainty they make you look). Others…not so much.

Either way, it’s most definitely a thing. Here are the 9 garments we found ourselves the new owners of after heartbreak.

1. The Not Very Me Dress

“I have always wanted a baby pink dress with a frill neckline,” I said post-breakup—shocking myself, and, distantly, causing Paris Hilton to dream pleasantly about The Simple Life. Maybe it’s that Pepto-Bismol wisp; maybe it’s a frippery by a designer you typically shun, or—do you dare?—an all-leather situation. Whatever it is, it’s new. It’s shiny. It has nothing to do with the person you’re leaving behind. And if you happen to be wearing it the next time they see you, maybe they won’t even recognize you.

Rebecca Taylor High-Smocked Floral Fil Coupé Dress, $564; matchesfashion.com

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Missoni Sheer Panel Fringed Dress, $2,300; farfetch.com

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Mango Piercing Detail Dress, $60; mango.com

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2. The Thotty Boot

Pop culture may have dubbed thigh-high footwear “fuck-me boots,” but we propose they be called “fuck-you boots.” If nobody else is climbing that stairway to heaven, then why not let your shoes do it? Fortunately, flat variants are now work-appropriate, given that Gigi Hadid has catapulted the sky-high style to popularity, but a patent leather option with a stiletto heel is way more dangerous—to your balance, and to potential suitors.

Stuart Weitzman Hiline Over the Knee Boot, $798; Nordstrom.com

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Topshop Bellini Sock Boots, $95; topshop.com

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MM6 Maison Margiela Pythonskin Effect Boots, $1,195; farfetch.com

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3. The Pajama Set

Usually, all you wear to bed is band T-shirts and gym shorts/no shorts. But, honestly, you’re going to be spending a lot of time in the bedroom (moping, watching Sex and the City, and eating Halo Top), which makes the prospect of yet another evening in the company of a Fall Out Boy 2005 Tour ringer tee feel like, I don’t know, being buried in concrete. And shouldn’t you throw out those American Apparel track shorts? You didn’t even do track. Help is here: Flannel PJs will soak up all those tears, and a silk set might come in handy next time you do have a visitor in the boudoir.

Ethical Silk Company Mulberry Silk Camisole * Shorts Set, $150; theethicalsilkcompany.com

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Sleepy Jones Marina Striped Cotton Pajama Set, $295; net-a-porter.com

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Morpho + Luna Ines Pajama Set, $619; matchesfashion.com

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4. The Very Expensive Bra

“Because I’m worth it,” you scream as you Google “fancy underwear.” That is, once you get over the truly hideous period when you glare at your undie drawer and think, Why does it matter? Nobody is ever going to see my partially naked body ever again! Might as well wear an apple sack. Not even the neighbors, etc. That’s a bad time, and I feel you. But afterwards, once you’ve downloaded and deleted Bumble four times without actually creating a profile, you’re ready to live large, baby! A $300 bra is no thing. You’re DTF, or at least TABDTF (Thinking About Being DTF). Congratulations!

Bordelle Bondage Bell Crop Top, $397; farfetch.com

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Fenty Puma by Rihanna Plaid Bra, $200; Nordstrom.com

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I.D. Sarrieri Dans Tes Bras Chantilly Lace Soft-Cup Bra, $295; net-a-porter.com

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5. That Thing Your S.O. Didn’t Like

Not that you consciously avoided wearing the tinkly jewelry or graphic prints that your ex was lukewarm about, but when you stumble across those extravagantly ruffled pumps post-breakup, you’re like, Wait a minute! I love these things! Now is the time to lean in. Get another pair! Wear additional ruffles to match! Man (or whoever)-repel away.

Oscar Tiye Adele Ruffled Lurex Pumps, $680; net-a-porter.com

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Sacai Classic Shirt Dress, $1,743; farfetch.com

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Zara Jacket With Shimmery Fringe, $90; zara.com

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6. The Sweater That Feels Like a Hug From Your Mom

Self-explanatory, really.

Altuzarra Prelude Cable-Knit Wool Turtleneck Sweater, $1,295; net-a-porter.com

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J.Crew Convertible Sweater Cape, $118; jcrew.com

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Tibi Alpaca Pom Pom Cropped Sweater, $450; tibi.com

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7. An Ear Cuff

Your ears aren’t even pierced, but this is the closest you can get to a tattoo without actually getting a tattoo. It’s rebellious without the “o(h no).” The only problem is that, since you’ve never worn one before, you aren’t sure exactly how to start. Gold? Silver? Bejeweled? Chunky? Who cares! There’s no need to stop at just one.

ASOS Fine Wire Ear Cuff, $9.50; asos.com

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Charlotte Chesnais Helix Ear Cuffs, $420; Nordstrom.com

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Jennie Kwon Diamond & Gold Ear Cuff, $695; barneys.com

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8. Notice-Me Red

Walk into any bar (when you’re on the prowl, naturally) and you’ll notice a sea of black. Wearing red is a way to scam yourself some extra attention, because *~science~*.

H&M Silk Shirt, $80; hm.com

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Rebecca De Ravenel The Zaza Dress, $995; modaoperandi.com

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Sachin & Babi Trinity Earrings, $250; sachinandbabi.com

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9. Something From the Tween Store You Haven’t Shopped From in Ten Years

These are also called Lethal Weapon stores. Somehow, post-separation, you find yourself drawn to vendors where girls half your age are your fellow customers. But everything’s so fun! Look, daisies! Rhinestones! Cropped everything! Whatever it is, you’re never too old to wear it, no matter what your frenemies say—and it feels so good.

Forever 21 Denim Embroidered Denim Skirt, $48; forever21.com

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Brandy Melville Dena Silky Tank, $24; brandymelville.com

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Fraiser Sterling After Party Chain Link Crossbody Bag, $97; urbanoutfitters.com

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