Intent on making 2017 your Best Year Ever? We can help with that, thanks to our 2017 Coach of the Month series. For July, we have Samantha Irby, author of We Are Never Meeting In Real Life. This week, Irby demonstrates how to put a positive spin on everything the ex you refuse to unfriend posts on social media. And by “positive,” she means “guffaw at that steakhouse he checked in at because you know he can’t afford it.”
I understand the very specific torture that is continuing to follow someone you’re no longer cool with on social media, because I, too, am a serious glutton for punishment who can’t help but to destroy my sanity while exacerbating my carpal tunnel and killing my eyeballs shooting hate daggers into my pocket computer. In my mind I’m always real cool after the breakup like “yeah whatever, no need to block you on Twitter it’s not like I care about your life” but that’s a lie man, I ABSOLUTELY CARE ABOUT THEIR LIVES. I don’t need to know that they got a promotion at work or a new car or whatever, but wow you changed your hair, fam? And started wearing suits and taking bathroom selfies in them? Why do you love yourself all of a sudden!?
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I’m not immune to the “yo I can’t believe he’s into museums now” disease, but I have found helpful ways of turning those emotional lemons into lemonade.
For instance, when they post: “Love my awesome life!”
LOL NO YOU DON’T. I think to myself: Does the ceiling in your apartment still leak toilet water from the place upstairs? Have you tried an artichoke yet? How many times has your mom called to remind you about that money you owe her? Your job still sucks, right? Have you bought a fitted sheet? How’s life without my Netflix log in? Are you still trying to figure out which of your friends stole your favorite comic book? Did you get your brakes fixed yet? How’s that herniated disc? Why do you keep texting me “what’s up” at 2 a.m.? Life is hard and miserable and we’re all just trying to slog through it until the next season of Game of Thrones comes out and I’m not gonna let Tinder Guy #6 make me feel bad because he’s lying to me on the Internet. Again.
“Can’t wait to go to this party!”
Well, this is obviously a personal attack. But who cares because you hate parties. And now that you are no longer having sex with a person who says things like “Mark wants to have a few people over for drinks in the yard!” while excitedly putting on a shirt to actually go you are no longer obligated to attend them. No more fending off his handsy drunk coworkers or listening to her best friend from high school make fun of your shoes. And you’d rather have a colonoscopy then spend a groggy, hungover Sunday morning grimacing at all of the shiny-faced, slightly unfocused pictures of you awkwardly trying not to spill on Alice’s white carpet you have to untag yourself from. No more small talk about movies you haven’t seen or world news you scrolled past, no more finding out Greg only has three chairs on a night you wore your highest heels. Leaving your house in pants with a zipper in them is overrated. Your horror movies and night cheese are the party.
*posts blurry picture of a soggy taco* “This food is amazing!”
Sometimes I get grossed out when people post pictures of their unappetizing meals on Instagram but if it happens to be posted by someone I’m hate-following I think “wow you really deserve those sad-looking potatoes.” Unless you were dating a professional photographer who can afford the nicest meals feel free to smugly turn your nose up at that wilted Subway footlong and chuckle wistfully into your diet cereal because you used to show your butt to a person who tried to find the most flattering angle of room-temperature roast beef.
“My new girlfriend is the best!”
Now he’s just showing off. It’s impossible that this is true. Because you are the actual the best.